Sorry I was gone so long. I had a little unexpected misstep...
It's funny how you can go through so much in life, and then something really small can knock you off your feet.
See, I have the best life and the worst life all at the same time and I stay constantly conflicted.
I have a great big house which most people want but I constantly stay overwhelmed because I fell like I can't keep it up. But my husband won't move because he nearly got killed building it.
I have a great job, but stay constantly nerve wrecked over the abuse I take in it daily. But I can't quit because it's the devil I know.
I have parents that pay for my children to get the best schooling, but it tears my family apart because they think it usurps all of my parental rights. I could pay for it myself, but then we'd have to stop EVERYTHING else we do for fun to pay...and if I put my kids in public school, I'd have to send them 30 min in the opposite direction from where we live from the other 30 min direction I go to my office. So if an emergency happened, it would take me a good 1 hr drive to get to them. The worst thing is, if we did take them out of private school, it wouldn't fix the parental issues anyway, and that's a much bigger story for a later blog.
But there are bigger parental issues - it's hard to explain. Maybe if I dole it out in little bits I can finally figure out why I either let the situation continue, or why the problems are always my fault.
My husband has flexibility in his job, but his family pays his paycheck and never lets him forget it. And he's not a real "happy" person, because he stays in pain and he has a job that's hard on his physical condition as well.
I know much of my troubles are self inflicted, but the straw on the camel's back came a couple of weeks ago.
They do a community sponsored sex-education program at my children's school for 7th graders. I personally wanted to put my son in it, but my mother demanded that we NOT put him in because "it just teaches kids about the evils of sex." Part of the dilemma is 1) we ask the school to lie to her if she inquires (which she does) and put him in...which you can see the fundamental issue with that since he goes to private CHRISTIAN school 2) now my son is the only one not going and feels kind of ostracized. Well, my husband had enough and we got in a fight over it, and I'd had a terribly bad day at work, and then my medical condition flared up (I have a rare skin condition that causes extreme itching when I get stressed out) and it all came together in a lovely case of ....
a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
You know, the mind can be a funny thing. Everything can be okay, and you can continue to rationalize, until one day it all just comes crashing down on you. I really tried not to fall. I told myself that it's all okay, I'm just making things a bigger deal than they are. But I just couldn't do it. It's not something you ever want to go through, the numbness I think is the worst part and the crying. I just could not stop no matter how hard I tried. I thought of my children. I thought of the good things I have. But then the thoughts come "nobody loves me" "why can't I do a better job...?" (fill in blanks of better worker, better mom, fix all the family issues etc.) But the numbness just went deeper. My mind just felt like it was going into a dark abyss - and I was clawing my way out to no avail. I don't even have a really good excuse for it. It's not like I lost a child, or I'm going to die or anything. But it's still very real for some reason. I was sick, like the flu, they explained - it just happened to be with my mental health, and I needed to get well.
Thankfully, I'm pretty resilient and they gave me a strong anti-depressent for awhile - but the question is... why? why now?
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6 comments:
You know what? I love your blogs =]
..yea okay, I may be 17 and in year 12 in school still..but whatever. I feel as though I can relate, needless to say, to something COMPLETELY different though haha
Is this your mother in law that sounds like the overprotective-keep the child innocent-dont grow up-cotton wool wannabe? I feel sorry for you. No really, I do.
Personally, my mother needs to go see a psychologist. Im serious. Shes gone off her nutter. Ah well, all I can say is that she's going through nver-ending menopause. (She's 45 this year)
Anyway, keep it up =D
I could say a lot of things, being on the outside, but I do not think anything will be helpful.
However I do believe some serious conversations are overdue. You have our best wishes!
Course when your skin condition flares up you could tell mom that if she scratches your back you'll scratch hers...?
My goodness you poor thing! I wish I could give you a great big HUG! I know exactly how it is with the grandparents interference in your own parenting. They think they are doing well by the children and believe they have the right to over rule you as a parent. I went through the same thing with my parents during my divorce. My son had enough of getting conflicting information from both my mother and myself. It ended up becoming such a large issue he went to in-school counseling. After a few months of sessions the counselor said I needed to take control of the situation. I had to get the heck out of my parents house for my son’s well being. It was tough being out on our own at first but at least we were happier. My son and I both love my mother very much but it was just better for him to only have one “boss” making the rules. It wasn’t long before our lives returned to normal. Not much longer after that things were even better than before my divorce! Well, I said life got better but I didn’t say any miracles happened. To this day my mother still puts in her two cents regarding my children and my life, just not as often as before. (ha, ha, ha)
i'm so sorry you're going through this!
I think a lot of us can relate to the grandparental interference, but because of the fact there are finances involved, well, frankly, I don't know, I don't think I could handle all the things on your plate. I do know my parents took us out of private school rather than have my grandparents continue to be involved in our education, and it was one of many steps they took to ensure their parental will prevailed.
I know you have more than just this on your plate, but I can relate to the interference because... we all lived in the same three-story tenant building, my parents, my grandparents and my great grandparents, and now I have overzealous in laws.
I hope things start to improve for you, you are overwhelmed on all fronts. I hope you can take a week off to just chill soon!
Good morning and thank you for writing about it. I'm a great big fan of yours, and a fan of honesty. Talking or writing it out, even (sometimes especially) if you don't post it, is good for processing.
Glad you're back! Best wishes and hugs.
Buy some MG217 for your skin.
I promise. The change will be worth it.
I have no recommendations regarding overzealous parents and/or inlaws. I am sorry for your stress - and pray that all turns around for you soon.
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