Friday, March 23, 2007

Well, at least my blog didn't TOTALLY suck!!!

I volunteered for a flogging.

And actually, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.


Thursday, March 22, 2007

Mr Fantastic

Bad Birthdays aside (I don't have enough time to post about that for now, it's a bit of an er, longer story...)

The last two weeks have been ALL about GOLF for Firstborn and my husband.

Firstborn made it through middle school golf tryouts without to much of a splash and we've struggled to inspire him to practice more than once a week and to get more enthusiastic about the finer points...

He ranked 3rd out of 12 kids and they chose the top 6 to actually play with one alternate.

Well, after the first game, Firstborn got the lowest score on the team - and although they didn't win their overall match, he didn't do too shabby.

Second match - lowers his score by two points, and the other players finally bring their game on. They win the match and Firstborn has the overall lowest score (33 for 9 holes on a par 3 course - meaning each hole should be 3 strokes to par.)

Well. In one week's time, Firstborn's testosterone level has apparently doubled - the feel of winning has metamorphosized (i dunno how to spell it but you get the drift) my geeky little transitioning tween into...


He's so pumped up right now, I half expect him to come in any day now and ask me for a beer and a playboy.

The boys on the team have dubbed him "MR FANTASTIC"


(I can't STOP him from practicing now.)

Friday, March 16, 2007

Everything in my closet must DIE!!!!

If it doesn't make me feel :

a) fabulous
b) 10 years younger
c) sexy (um can't wear it to work for this category LOL)

It's going OUT.

I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to clean out my closet. In the most radical way.

If it's weary? GONE.
If it screams IMAMOM!!! GONE!!!
If it doesn't make me look 10 lbs lighter. So out of here...
Dowdy? NO WAY
Haven't worn it in 3 years. Is it even a question???

Serious pruning is soooo in order.

This goes for hair accessories, scarfs, purses, jewelry, shoes, underwear... EVERYTHING!!!

I expect in a few weeks to have pared my closet down at least 50%.

I know it sounds extreme, but I'm in an extreme mood. So far, I've gotten rid of one bag to Goodwill. Now I have to make consignment shop appointments. Ebay is an option.

So far I have completed the exercise on hair accessories, and jewelry.

I'm going to feel soooooo much better. Happy Birthday to me!!!!

I asked my husband to take me out tomorrow for my birthday. He wanted to know what I wanted to do....

I told him I wanted to get drunk and go dancing. I'm not exactly sure if he's too thrilled about the idea, but I really don't care ;o) I don't want any "stuff" for my birthday, I just want to get dressed up and paint the town a pretty shade of red.
(although I think he's afraid I'll ruin his reputation...)


Is there competent help anywhere for me??? Anyone???

Friday, March 09, 2007

Oh yeah, dance the night away....

I went to the movies tonight with my son and my parents.

Not a big deal, Firstborn had a class assignment to go see "Amazing Grace" and it was an opportunity to bond a little more with the grand-parental units for him...

But I had a MAJOR discovery.

It's the "Speed Over Beethoven" Dance Machine.

Oh I'm hooked.

Okay, never mind I'm a middle aged lady in high heeled roach stomper boots, black dickies and a company button down.

I can do it baby.

They musta just put this thing in the theatre, because I really never noticed it before. It's a big arcade machine that blasts house music and you follow the arrows to "stomp" / "dance" on the boxes that light up on the "dance floor." Complete with blinking strobe lights!!! (you know I love da bling!!!!)

This now rivals laser tag as a favorite thing to do at the arcade park...

I will never do another aerobics class again...

So the next time you're at the movies and you see a buncha teenagers fighting some middle aged lady off this puppy; BINGO - you've found me!!!!

I thought my mom and my son were going to pass out from embarrassment.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

I am a Fire Horse!!

According to the Chinese Horoscope, I am a "Fire Horse"

Through all the moons of many a year, the Fire Horse is a dynamic creature, with a vigor that promises youth and freshness until the very end of life. The will and the spirit of the Fire Horse cannot be broken. This Horse goes through life with philosophical patience and the ability to bounce back from adversity no matter how dire the circumstances. In times of solitude, Fire Horses also have an insatiable need for intellectual stimulation and they satisfy their curiosity for learning through reading, listening, conversing, and travel abroad. Fire Horses make inspiring leaders, revered and respected. They encourage their subordinates with kindness and just the right degree of strictness and work well with people in all stations of life. Financial rewards fall in the middle ground, not too bad, not terrific, but always comfortable. Being in love with the Fire Horse brings pure rapture. These noble Horses are generous with their love, with hugs and kisses. Loved ones always know where they stand because Fire Horses demonstrate every day through their actions the love they feel deep within. Each day is a soft and tender love poem.

The Fire Horse is also known as the most troublesome of the zodiacs.

The self-centred and temperamental horse has a natural aversion to the discipline and restraint of a regimented lifestyle. Unfortunately that is exactly what big brother society asks of its members. It takes plenty of time for the average horse to mature and realise that the inconsistent bucking bronco approach is often a waste of time and energy. In between time it throws plenty of people offside...even Mike Tyson would admit to that.

From childhood on the Horse is a humorous prankster and loves playing tricks and being the centre of attention. It is also a universal dream symbol of raw sensual desire (i.e. Raquel Welch, Patrick Swayze, Sean Connery) and prefers to be around the action. They usually leave home early. Forever youthful and carefree at heart, time is no barrier to these animals who can work and play hard around the clock. They are at their best where indomitable leadership is required, as shown by Nelson Mandela.

Of all the equine stock the notorious Fire Horse is renowned as the most troublesome. Russian Premier Nikita Khrushev was one who almost set the world aglow during the early 60's Cuban missile crisis. Reportedly the birth rate dropped and voluntary abortion grew in 1966, the last year of the Fire Horse.

Sheep, Tigers and Dogs make the best partners but the Rooster, Monkey and Ox are off limits.

That 'splains a LOT.

I think it would make a cool header to find an awesome graphic representing my "spirit" at the top of my blog; but I don't know how!!!

Can anybody help??

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Word of the day.


YOU tell me what it means....



There is a rumor going around the pageant world that they want 3 moms that are friends who have daughters that compete together in pageants to audition for a tv reality show.

Mutually exclusive premise right out of the box if you ask me.

Here's the issue - they want 3 moms that won't make pageant moms look bad, but they want them to be Desperate Housewives types.

This seems a bit contradictory.

Or is it just me???

I think I'd be insanely interesting on tv.

Kind of like watching one of those "world's worst police chase" deals.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

It came from the boards #2

This has probably been all over the internet 100 times, but I haven't seen it, and I think it's funny (at least until I come up with something new & witty to write about) - I found it on the notorious pageant boards...

...And since I could spend HOURS in Wal Mart anyway:

69 things to do in Wal-Mart -- No name, 17:49:23 03/06/07 Tue [8]
* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''
* Play with the automatic doors.
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this shit, anyway?''
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually. * Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!'' * Put M&M's on layaway.
* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134)
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.
* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.
* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels.
* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!''
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. * Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.
* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).''
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles.
* Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?''
* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.

Guess which one I pick to do this weekend??? More later....

Thursday, March 01, 2007

That's Hot....

Okay the whole not doing well turning 41 thing aside...

I just want everyone to know that I am one HOT mama.

Yep, went to the doctor (general practice) today because I can't breathe due to allergies, and they got a new nurse in and it always goes something like this.

Nurse: Hi, how are you today? What are you here for?
Moi: I can't breathe.

Nurse: Oh, poor thing. Are you on any medications?
Moi: Yes, here's my list. Walking Case of Chemical Warfare that I am...

Nurse: oooo-kay..... Let me take your temperature.

pause for said event.

Nurse: You have a temperature. It's 99.4 - you must have a bug.
Moi: No, that's normal. Check my chart. Never been below a flat 99.

Nurse: Oh. I see......

Doctor strolls in.

"How's the HOTTEST MAMA client of mine doing today???" !!!!

I felt soooo much better :o)

What's REALLY weird is that he and my gynecologist are buddies. I don't even want to know the conversations....

Bad parent example #6,922

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