Thursday, November 30, 2006

My C-section story

I am posting this at the request of another blogger MadMomma. I also need to apologize for sending this late, it's been a crazy week!!!


It's interesting when you get a group of parents together and they start recounting the stories of childbirth. And although we pride ourselves on medical progress and improvements in civilization, childbirth is still less of, but nonetheless, a risky event for both mother and child. I mean think about it's just not an obviously easy task based on the laws of time and physics... But anyway.

With my first child, I was 28 years old, and I taught aerobics 3-4 times a week. Oddly enough I ended up gaining like, 50 pounds, but overall it was fairly uneventful process except for having morning sickness - morning, noon, and night - and at the drop of any weird smell!!! I was due on July 21st, but woke up the wee morning hours of July 1st with an odd back pain. Now, I had taken the childbirth classes (I was a horrible student - I actually ran out and threw up after the childbirth video) and when I asked my husband if he wanted to be in the delivery room with me and he said "NO" I was actually kind of okay with it, because I didn't want to be in there either. And never mind that my in-laws insisted on showing me my sister-in-laws childbirth video (which had taken place just 3 months earlier) where her epidural didn't take and she was screaming in mortal pain the entire time.... oh no, that shouldn't bother me a bit! Anyway I digress..... THAT morning on July 1st something was just, well, different. So, as any woman in my situation would do, I called the doctor and asked. They were singularly non-chalant about the whole thing "Well, we'll see you if you really think it's necessary..." Wow! I'd love for people to pay me for my expertise just so I could be annoyed with them.... Anyway, it wasn't really anything earth shattering so I just puttered around the house, took a shower, etc. But I just couldn't get comfortable. Well, since the slight pain started around 1am I decided by 7am that I needed to go in whether they liked it or not.

So my husband drove me in, and since I was supposedly 3 weeks early, the doctor's office was in NO hurry to see me! After waiting in the office for an hour, they dully admitted me back to pee in a cup and see if there was a problem with my kidney, since that was in the area of the source of the pain. After ANOTHER half an hour, they gave me the results and were going to send me home, when the doctor on call said she thought she'd just take a quick look since I was in anyway.

So, I went back, and she said "let me do an internal check" OH BOY GOODY I CAN'T WAIT....

Her eyes got as big as saucers "OMG you're 6 centimeters - GO TO THE HOSPITAL, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, do not get a bag, git GIT GIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!!!" Oh, well, now we know what it takes to get their attention. My husband stopped at every green light and ran every red trying to get me there (I'm really lucky to be here!) Fortunately, when I got to the hospital they had a room ready...epidural? check! 3 pushes? check! by 7:30 I had a ready to go Baby!!!! Only thing was, he came out so fast, my husband started to panick because his head looked like one of those pointy birthday hats, and his face looked like it had been run over and the tracks of the offending vehicle were still left on his face (he still has a few remaining broken blood vessels to this day -very faint but still there.)

My point for the first child is, I still don't think childbirth is an exact science. The doctors are either so desensitized to what they see and hear everyday, or they still don't have a clue... I dunno.

With child #2 things were a LOT different. First, she was a statistical anomoly (you know that 1% caveat on the side of the box? meet your lottery winner!!!) Second, I was 35 and not at an age that I wanted to be having children. Enter major depression. I didn't ask for this baby, I didn't want this baby, I didn't want to have anything to do with any of it. Having a girl? I would be a terrible girl mom! Not to mention I think the doctor's would have rather delivered babys in taxis than deal with my appointments!! How did this happen? Why me? Something is not right. Yet they all patted my on my head. A wonderful pregnancy, a perfect pregnancy... weight gain? perfect! Blood work? perfect! measurements? perfect! Attitude.... well, anyway....

Around 5-6 months I just knew something wasn't right. Two females sharing the same space just wasn't working. I couldn't get the doctors to listen to me until about month 8 when a new doctor (young and out of school) actually CHECKED me and realized that Gizmo was NOT in a good position. She was fanny down with no room to turn - what's known as a "Frank breach" (why they call it this, I don't know maybe some guy named Frank found it...) anyway, the recommendation was that the doctors go in and turn the baby.

Now if any of you don't know what this is, it's a real blast! They take you to the hospital, give you some medicine to loosen up your uterus and then two doctors come in and try to SHOVE the baby into a new position! It's real scientific, one doctor gets at one end and the other takes the remaining end and they don't push they put they're backs into it... and it HURTS LIKE HELL. Now, the logical question is, does anyone go into labor from this? According to the doctors, "no", according to MY biology, "Uh, DUH, why Yes" (dumbasses I'm not THAT naive.) I think sometimes doctors think you're stupid because they're doctors and you should just turn your body over to them with out question. Hell, I happen to live here and NO you don't get to do whatever you want!!! (I have personal story after story where I just don't think they get it that their opinion can be wrong sometimes...) Anyway, guess what? Princess didn't just NOT turn she stuck her feet straight up and FOUGHT IT!!! And I got to enjoy 2 hours of monitored false labor. Lucky me.

Two weeks later the decision was made not to even attempt a vaginal birth, because the position of the baby plus her size might kill one or both of us. When they tell you that, with confidence, you don't even argue about doing a C section. All that matters is that you both come out safe and healthy. Now, granted, the last thing I wanted, but if you think about it, millions of children come out okay without having a so-called "perfect birth." I had one friend who planned a "perfect home birth" - she only met with a doula (midwife) and never saw a doctor at all - she wanted only to give birth in a peaceful state of tranquility and absolutely NO drugs - her opinion was if she did ANYTHING otherwise, her child would end up in therapy and probably a serial killer. Well, the baby didn't get in the correct position, and then she was in severe labor and realized that maybe she wasn't that tough. Well, to make a long story short, miss "I'm going to do everything natural" ended up not only getting medicated, didn't have a vaginal birth, and had to have an emergency C section - it's funny how things clear up when you start staring your's and your baby's health square in the face.

Needless to say, my child, my friend's child, and their mothers are healthy, happy, and suffer no ill effects from having C sections. It was never a question when it came down to safety and health. And I'll have to say, C section babies do come out much prettier LOL But I also think you have to watch the doctors and make sure they are taking the right steps for your situation. Your health is YOUR responsibility and sometimes you have to question and take control. If you don't agree with a doctor or have a shred of doubt, seek second, third, fourth, opinions, until YOU are confident the right decision is being made. It's your body, not theirs, or anyone elses!

I will have to mention though, that when I went into labor it was at my son's ballgame - and my husband had the nerve to ask me to hang on until they finished the last inning... well, by the time I got to the hospital I was howling like a caged puppy!!! And to make matters worse, by the time they got me into rush surgery, they apparently didn't realize the cabinets lining the operating room were so clean and shiny, they functioned as "mirrors" - so I happened to look over about the time they were pulling Gizmo out....

...there are just some things you do NOT need to see.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Okay, I'll take any compliment I can get

I got the best backhanded compliment today.

Mr. Business #1 is known, globally, in our company as being the absolute worst human being to work with on the planet. Literally. I think he's been banned in at least three countries!! He gets frustrated if you can't read his mind, treats EVERYONE as if they were a class A moron, and thinks talking louder increases comprehension. He also does not get it that we only have 1.2 people on my team to do the work of 5 people. (I refuse to use the word "resources" - it's so de-humanizing) And this frustrates the absolute HELL out of him (never mind HE's the one who agreed to the cut budget!!) In general, if he calls I NEVER pick up the phone - I wait for an IM or I'll pick up a voicemail a few minutes later. I have instructed my team (of all men LOL) to do the same. You have to prepare as if for the SAT just to take a phone call!!!

Now never mind he NEVER picks up his phone, and doesn't read ANY of the emails we send to him with important information. We're idiots that should be treated with the disrespect we deserve. This is the same guy who writes programming requirements and expects us to code "including but not limited too the following items." Obviously he has a lot of faith in our team's capabilities to code deductive reasoning. We're completely flattered, but we just have to bring him back to reality - constantly.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely understand and take the business needs very seriously; but it's really difficult to keep a straight face or attitude with this type of behaviour to deal with!! Well, today he was particularly frustrated, since my main support guy is out on jury duty, and Mr. Business #1 couldn't IMMEDIATELY get him on the phone for an "emergency." Per his voicemail to me:


I love my team ;o) I'm not going to let anybody shove my guys around. They work hard in a tough environment, and as long as they are pulling their weight, I'm going to keep them focused and un-disturbed! They're hard to get and they're hard to keep!

Of course, using me and Iron Fist conceptually in the same sentence is pretty amusing (I am an ex-beauty queen of all things and Blonde!!! LOLOLOL!)

Poor thing. Never mind the reason I do this is because if I don't he will harrass, harangue, cajole, pester, lecture, weedle, push, shove, and insult my guys until he thinks he can effectively badger them into being able to do the work of 10 people simultaneously. Our priorities are set on Monday's and if I let him have his way we'd never finish one freakin' thing..... To let him loose on my guys, on Monday morning after he's pushed them all to try to get his every whim and what for adhered to he conveniently gets amnesia in our weekly meeting and says "IT is a failure, what the HELL have you guys been doing all week?"

I burn more calories just shaking my head in this job....

Saturday, November 25, 2006

ahhh Out of the mouth of babes...

Gizmo spent a better part of the afternoon of Thanksgiving running around her Graam & Papa's property - fishing in the pond, riding the golf cart, and just plain ol' running around. Since the menfolk were outside with the kids, I didn't see much of what was going on because I was gratefully catching a nap inside... but I went by my sister in law's today and her husband related to me a little story.

Now you have to keep in mind, Gizmo is a very sweet child, but has some well, "delivery" problems with comments that she makes (keep in mind she's only 4)...

Apparently, Gizmo was sitting next to her uncle on the golfcart, and she likes to snuggle, so he let her nestle up on his shoulder since it was a bit chilly out. As she was doing so, she began to gently rub his forearm, as if she was "enjoying" petting the hair on his arm. He said she looked up at him, ever so sweetly and said "Uncle J", as she abruptly stopped patting his arm, "you have a lot of hair on your arm!" "Why yes I do" said Uncle J, as his arms are, well, extremely hairy (to say the least.) He said she then looked at him with an expression of utmost earnesty and said:

"You really need to shave. That's a real problem you've got there. "

Ooooh-kaaaay.... Seems like we probably ought to put "learn using tact" on the list of to-dos this week...

Friday, November 24, 2006

tired i am so geez.... margaritas three... not much after that....

Okay, well Ms.Brilliant here again. I'm so tired I could sleep on the driveway with the neighbor's dogs for pillows. Today, I decided to find out what all the hoopla was about "Black Friday".

Well, I figured it out. Half the people go out to find the 1/1,000,000 deal. The others just go to watch and buy crap they didn't intend to. Not sure which category I fit into, might be obvious to you guys in internetland.

I didn't even start out right - I just couldnotgetout of bed at 4:30. I don't even think a piledriver coming through the window would have worked either. So I was late. LA DE DA. So I thought. I left the house at 5:25am feeling pretty smug that all my neighbor's dark houses were the result of massively poor planning on their part and that I was the smarty pants of Wereallinthewitnessprotectionprogram Boulevard. Yeah right - rookie!!! No traffic on the way out to Target. 'This is going to be a big piece of cake' I thought. Miles 1-3 - no traffic. Miles 4-8 - even less traffic. Miles 8-finish line..... round the corner....

OMG!!!!!!! Now, it's pretty shocking for somebody as smart as me to get smacked in the head with a "oh no you're NOT so smart" moment (I seem to have a lot of these lately...) and I then realized that the reason all the houses in my neighborhood were dark was because THEY WERE ALREADY THERE!!!!!!! Why didn't they call me? Were there alarms? How could they leeeavve me behind!!!!!! Why didn't the stupid dogs bark and alert me that everyone was exiting the area??? Lord help us if there's ever a tornado!!!!

I'm guessing there were over 1000 people at Target. It was a wee bit surreal seeing absolutely NO signs of life, for a 10mile radius, then come up on the mob scene at Target. In the dark. Half asleep. A startling leap into lucidity for that time of the morning (at my age, I'm not even sure it's safe for that kind of jolt.)

But Hey! I'm no wimp... so I parked my car in the overflow lot, and armed with a thermos full of Amp and a bag full of donuts I merged in with the crowd and forged into the swarm, not really knowing what to expect...

It looked like the end of days. Shelves, empty, except for the few crumbs of packaging remnants and a stray dvd or two. People lined up arguing for a raincheck any raincheck, desperation showing on their faces for the last of the "gonnacatchonfireimsurebrand" DVD players, videocameras and batteries. I missed getting the last of the imaho dolls on sale for 4.99 (Gizmo will be crushed and in therapy for years I'm sure) and my son I'm sure will suffer back pain until the end of days since I lost the wrestling match for the last of the $33 videogame chairs. (But I did get an offhand offer to play for the local roller dearby team) Blank stares on faces of zombies pushing red carts to nowhere, clinging to a large starbucks and a stack of empty ad promises.... OH GOD I KNOW WHAT ARMEGEDDON LOOKS LIKE NOW!!!!

I grabbed the last of the half priced dirt devils and ran, with what little of my dignity I could gather up (not too much left at that after my ob appt last week), and on the way out managed to grab just a few things... only 42 dvds, 14 pairs of fluffy socks, 3 christmas shirts,4 mystery kitchen appliances, 8 blankets, an assortment of chapstick, 2 off brand digital cameras, some towels I think I can sell on e-bay, a Hello Kitty comforter, some clearance items I think I'm still going to have to ask around as to what they actually are, and a large latte extra milk, no whipped cream thank you very much I am in a hurry to get out I am so not into this. Really.

Now I have to figure out how to fit the gifts to the recipients, I ain't goin' back. No sir, it's not safe in thar. I did my time.

(I made my husband take me out for Mexican tonight and I got THREE margaritas. I earned 'em)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

An ode to my readers

Now, being fairly new to blogging, I just want to say how excited I get when a new reader posts ANYTHING to my little posts on this and that....
So in honor of the few, very brave, marvelous bloggers that have visited my site, I would like to sing you a little song. Now, given that this is just text, you'll have to work with me... (warming up! lalala laaaaaaaa......) Are my backup dancers ready? CHECK!

ahh hemm!!!! Here goes!

"Addicted to BLOGS"

You're lights are on, and you're at home
You're mind, is not your own
Your hands sweat, your keyboard shakes
Another thought, is what it takes

You can't sleep, you can't eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
You sit and wait, you can't abate
Another read, is what you need

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah

It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough you know you're gonna have to face it you're addicted to blogs

You see the notes, you don't dare blink
Another quip, is what you think
Your heart beats in double time
One more response, and you'll be fine, a one track mind

You can't be saved
More readers on, is all you crave
Anticipate, what they will think
If you are witty, or if you drink....

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah, oh LOL, oh ROTFLMAO,
oh JMHO, oh KEWL, ...... (oops got a little carried away)

It's closer to the truth you know you're gonna have to face it you're addicted to BLOGS

Might as well face it you're addicted to blogs
Might as well face it you're addicted to blogs
Might as well face it you're addicted to blogs
Might as well face it you're addicted to blogs
Might as well face it you're addicted to blogs

ALL TOGETHER NOW Air Guitar Solo!!!! (pardon me a minute)

You're at your desk, or a cafe'
Your attention, is all asway
You're almost blind from all you view
There's so much stuff, beyond the news!

It was just supposed to be for friends and close fam-i-ly, Oh yeah you're gonna have to face it you're addicted to blogs.

(Sing with me now!! )

Might as well face it, youre addicted to blogs
Might as well face it, youre addicted to blogs
Might as well face it, youre addicted to blogs
Might as well face it, youre addicted to blogs
Might as well face it, youre addicted to blogs


Thanka, thanka vera much

pageantmom has left the building....

Monday, November 20, 2006

SAY WHAT!!!????

Lucky me. Somehow I managed to the get two most world-famous difficult business departments to please in the entire corporation. It's like playing wack-a-mole every day. I get one side settled, the other starts up.

Now, admittedly, I have the honor of supporting our national sales force IT applications. And although the product we sell is something EVERYONE in the US MUST have, it is not necessarily an "impulse" purchase. These guys are, at the least, formidable opponents who think they have to "hit back first" with IT and degrade, flog, insult, nag, and pester in order to motivate our team to work 150 times harder than they normally have to (nevermind THEY cut our IT budget by 60% this year and RAN OFF two of my best developers!!!) Anyway, I digress.

Now, my team struggles daily to maintain our professionalism in the throes of a large beaureaucratic (did I spell that right?) environment and deal with these Divas from Hell so each day is a challenge... and I, as the team leader proabably struggle the most since I have to deal with these dodos directly every day. Thought "hmmm, phone is ringing - let's see, would I rather answer it or chew off my own foot?...............pause........ well, I AM hungry......" Anyway.

I have a new short term programmer working for me until dec 31. He's a guy that is NOT a people person, and has nothing to lose and his skills are hard to find on the market(he KNOWS we need him.) Hey, what am I gonna do? fire him? I'm under tremendous pressure to have several projects done by Dec 31 and it takes a special person to withstand our environment.

So. I made the choice move of inviting him to a meeting with the business for which, admittedly, I was not well prepared.

Well, Ms. Business side #2 just lit into us as normal and of course, we do our usual round up back to the facts, just the facts, ma'am (this WORKS, trust me) and then she started in on the "new guy." If you don't have answers she likes immediately, things tend to get ugly.

He looked at her after a couple minutes, and leaned across the table and said:

"MA'AM! I don't like the way you are talking to me. Nor do I appreciate you treating me like an idiot, and frankly, I think you need to watch YOUR ATTITUDE LADY >o" Then he said, "I don't know who the hell you think you are, and you just need to come down off your high horse because I am NOT going to deal with you!"

I didn't know whether to smack him or kiss him.

She LEANED across the table and said "WHAT???!!!!"

Then she looked at me and said "You need to DO SOMETHING!!! Deal with your employee!!!!"

I was powerless to do anything because I didn't know whether to laugh or cry LOLOLOL
I was like the proverbial dear in the headlights!!

Well, needless to say, it got kind of blurry from there as I did my usual re-direction and deflection (I am the politician of the group) and when the moment came where I could release "Mr. Personality" to go finish something else, and was feeling really bad about the whole thing...after he walked out of the room she looked at me and the other participants and said:


Well, I guess he does now. And then, I didn't feel so bad. As a matter of fact, I felt pretty good...

Ahhhhh, The joys of corporate life.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Of course, Mr Doctor, I AM "bitchy" today!!!

Today I got to participate in my favorite yearly event.

Oh the beloved annual visit to the ob-gyn.

Just the mere idea of having to go sends my blood pressure up at LEAST 30 points.

Notably, my doctor erroneously asked me why I was so grouchy for all my annual visits - after all, "what had he done to deserve such a bad attitude from me all these years?"

I apologized and asked him not to take it personally. And after a brief moment of pensive thought I responded:

"Never mind, the minute I walk in, your perniciously perky receptionist starts in on what a nice day it is and her gratuitous, yet contrived efforts to be overly pleasant start off raking on my already edgy demeanor. The next series of questions, that after 12 years of NO changes, I still must answer. Next, I have to wait for 30 minutes in a waiting room full of annoyed and bored husbands and boyfriends - all of which now KNOW what I'm going to have to do... Once my name is called in a depersonalized fashion 'MSSSSUSS. SMMMMITH!' (no real name used here of course) you force me to attempt a skilled exercise for which I am not physically designed to do properly - the whole pee in a thimble mess. After the initial denuding of my dignity, I am STABBED in the finger, made to stand on the ENEMY known as the "scales" and if THAT isn't enough, you stick me in a refrigerated room with nothing but a tissue to cover up with and only "Oprah" magazines to read for God knows how long.... THEN you come in here and SMASH what's left of the bags formerly known as breasts after nursing two wonderful children, and if that wasn't enough....,


....and have the nerve to ASK ME WHY I AM IN A BAD MOOD????"

Awkward Silence.

Needless to say, I got an extra bag of samples today >o)

Monday, November 13, 2006

The "Is it just me??" Moment of the Week!!! (communication is everything!)

I was in Subway (sandwich shop) the other day; I'm thankful for this Subway because it is within walking distance of work and a blessed redemption from our company canteen...but I digress...

There was a very sweet and timid young lady passing out forms in the back of the restaurant - every time a patron would pass by, she would offer up the form and each time she would smile and before she could even explain her action, she would be met with brusque rejection. Each time a glimmer of frustration would pass over her expression and she would just plop back down in her chair; but she recovered resiliently with each occurrence of failure to get the customer to take the form.

Now, being the observer I am, I watched this for awhile. I also surveyed the premises for some sort of explanation of this situation.


After chatting briefly with her about her intended mission, I accepted one of her survey forms.

I then pointed out to her the very LARGE "Help Wanted Immediately" sign posted on neon yellow posterboard in the front window.


Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Whaddaya say?

When I went to pick up Gizmo from Grandma's after work today she announced:

"Mrs. E... told me to SHUT UP today"

Now, Mrs. E is the most kindly, patient, loving, grandmotherly K4 teacher you could ever imagine to teach preschool.

I found this to be COMPLETELY out of character.

Now, knowing Gizmo as well as I do, I imagine Mrs. E didn't start out with that comment... so here is my surmised "re-enactment":

Mrs. E : "Gizmo, please stop talking - it's not your turn yet"

Gizmo : "Mrs. E...."

Mrs. E : "Please Gizmo, you must wait and give others a chance to participate"

Gizmo : "I have my stuffed up animal CAT my grandma gave me with me today - wanna see?"

Mrs. E : "Gizmo, it will be your turn to share soon..."

Gizmo :
"WHATEVER. Now as I was saying... blah blah blah, Anna wants to see...blah blah blah.... and...blah blah blah....and..... my mommy said....and.... I had my HAND up.... and we could name the new fishy.... I got a smores maker this weekend....blah blah...and....Carly broke her arm... and......"

Mrs. E : Now has look of frustration and disdain

"Please Gizmo! We MUST BE QUIET!!!! "

Gizmo : "okay Mrs. E" "Hey! Ms. N" (Classroom teacher's assistant) "when is snack time?"

"I really like the new goldfish, and if you can't HEAR me I can SPEAK LOUDER.... as a matter of fact we can sing to the fish, I know a really good song I learned this weekend..... do you know 'Tomorrow' I learned it when I went to see 'Annie' and she didn't have a fish or ANYTHING... we are so lucky aren't we ...... can I go see... blah blah blah ...." etc & so on

Mrs. N : "Gizmo, SHHHHUSH!!!!"

Entire class : Heads tilted. Blank stares. 'Hey! We could sing to the fish...'

Mrs E. : 'Who gave her SUGAR cereal this morning????'

Gizmo, unfazed

"What?" "I can't hear you Mrs. N!!!"

"Mrs. E... What DID she SAY????" "

"I can't hear her, but it sounds like she wants EVERYONE to be quiet!!!!"

"I can tell them to shhhh if you want me too......"

moment of silence

"Wow, everyone got quiet.... don't we all play the quiet game good? Don't we? Don't we Mrs E.?"

Mrs. E, reaching point of frustration and exasperation:

"Gizmo - please - just please - SHUT UP!!! "


Well...... All's well, ends well...

(at least I'm assuming so, since there was no NOTE from poor Mrs. E !!!)

Needless to say, we're going to have to work on this ;o) And possibly, no more Fruit Loops for YOU young lady.....

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The "Is it just me?" Moment of the week!!!

I work for a large International Corporation and of course beauracracy and political correctness are MANDATORY... so after much gratuitous back patting by our corporation about how DIVERSE we are...

We've had "celebrate black history week", we've had "international week", we've had "hispanic week", etc etc etc AD NAUSEUM... We've celebrated the working woman, we've talked about how much we support minority businesses and how our workforce will be made up of mostly WOMEN and MINORITIES in a few years....


I've noticed at the bottom of each much publicized and promoted article on our Intranet....

Are the promanently placed pictures of the NINE MIDDLE AGED WHITE MEN that run the company.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

In search of the perfect country song...

You know I was listening to the country music station and it struck me what's really wrong with country music these days.

It's too fast to drink to.

Let's take ol' Merle for instance. You'd think there was a problem with your pitch control on the CD player after listening to today's souped up psuedo-pop manic-depressive attacks on yer auditory systematics when you put his stuff in... Might even start waxing sentimental for yer 8-track player too... but I digress.

I think we're too politically correct about things too. Can't drink, Can't smoke, can't shoot yer cheatin lover -well what the hell CAN you do?? Well, as far as I can tell you can still cry and you can do aerobics.

Makes me want to run for president - my campaign slogan "Cigarettes, Donuts, and Beer for all"

Vote for me
I have no clue
that makes the perfect candidate for YOU!!!, have another cigar & a red bull...

Anyway, here's my new idea for a drinking song ya'll out in internet land can tell me whatcha think:

"So hold me up
Fill my cup
And call me a taxi dear

'cause I've had
8 shots of tequilaaaaaa
and a
6 pack of beer "

Catchy huh? I think ol' Merle woulda been proud.

copyright 2006 sumthinkdiffrent inc.

Just a deranged lunatic!!

Well well well, if the media hasn't once again reveled in trying to make pageant moms look like a bunch of deranged lunatics... My husband and son like to watch "Bones" - a pretty formulaic crime show currently on prime time; and tonight's episode involved the death of a pageant contestant...As the main characters study the body they were horrified that a child had on makeup, and tooth veneers etc. "What sick pervert would give his victim a makeover before killing her..." stated one of the characters. Turns out the child was killed at a pageant (accidentally it appears but then an attempted cover up by a competitor also a child) thus explaining the "makeover." I didn't watch the show thoroughly (no attention span for tv) but in the intermittent parts I watched...I'd like to share some observations.

- Pageants are much less and much worse than portrayed on tv
- It's a common theme among detractors that pageant mom's have somehow "robbed" their children of a childhood
- We're all sick f**ks that should be carted out and shot

I don't think any self-respecting dentist would put veneers on a child as represented on the show (maybe in Hollywood but I don't want to apply any assumptions back.) Normally, the girls wear "flippers" - a cosmetic dental appliance that goes over the natural teeth for a more complete smile which is only worn for very brief periods. Probably started out just to give girls with missing or small teeth an even advantage, and of course went haywire from there.

I'm also trying to figure out what I've robbed my child of that is so necessary for "childhood." Is the fact that she's worn fake eyelashes by the age of 5 made her somehow jaded and world weary? I thought that was reserved for abused children and victims of war. Of course in the eyes of some folks, pageants are child abuse... In the show tonight, one of the characters sadly acknowledged that "childhood was full of swings..."and something else along those lines which I can't remember but the jist of it was "oh the poor kid" as if she was a prostitute or something... Another blogger I came across attended a pageant and all but called the babies "whores" from what she saw... now how does someone get off calling a little girl a "whore" or a similar reference because she wears makeup in what's basically "competition dress up." A completely misguided and irresponsible reaction - but she was entitled to her opinion and I'm okay with that just not the reference. She could have stated that she just didn't like it. I could have called her a "bitch", and that would have been an opinion, but I'm not like that and I didn't think of her that way - I simply assumed she just didn't know any better and she was drumming up interesting reading for her blog. I've noticed when you put a little sanity on pageants, nobody is interested in talking about them anymore. Anyway! The biggest problem I've seen so far is that pageantry has given my lil Gizmo a little TOO much confidence. I'll talk about why I call her Gizmo in another blog, but it relates to sugar, red dye and a parallel to the movie "Gremlins."

What I do see my daughter has that a lot of other kids her age (she's 4) don't:

1) she can sit still when necessary - this is not only an important skill for having hair and makeup done, but is useful in polite restaurants, church, public transportation and school
This is often a point that horrifies pageant detractors - how DARE we make them sit still for 15 min to get h/m done - shouldn't they be running around? hmmm lemmee think about the other 23 hours and 45 minutes remaining in the day - Gosh, what on earth am I thinking??

2) she can follow directions - useful not only for stage routines, but direction in school functions, learning other new skills, and perhaps listening to mom before running out in the street

3) she has the concept of "practice" - that if you work to be good at something you can get results - now don't start in on me before considering tee ball, suzuki violin students, and dance schools etc. and hey! I'll bet Tiger Woods is sooooo mad at his father for teaching him to practice golf starting at the age of 18 months; yes, I'm sure he just HATEs his dad for that ;o)

4) she has FUN - nothing more, nothing less. If she doesn't learn a damn thing from pageants, she has great memories of pajama parties in the hotel rooms, swimming with her friends, eating out at lots of restaurants, and the excitement of "SHOW TIME" getting all dolled up in her fancy outfits etc.

5) Her experiences have made her very articulate verbally. So much so, that because she is tall for her age, and she speaks so well, most folks think she is 6 instead of 4.

I think it's also funny that pageant detractors often use the argument that pageants are about "competition" and that somehow competition is "bad." I think competition is bad based on how it is dealt with. Threatening to kill and dismember your competition is BAD. Focusing on improving your game to try and win over your competition is GOOD. (just to set relative perspective.) And if you don't think some kids come out of the womb wanting to compete, have you ever watched a group of pre-schoolers fight over who gets to be the "line leader" just to go to lunch??? I also think competion is bad if you place the child's worth up to their ability to win. You can't do that when there are factors outside of your control (judges opinions.) What's frustrating is when they don't live up to their potential. For example, my son brought home a "B" in Science from school - I CHEWED HIM OUT. Not because he made a "B" though. Had he struggled and fought for that "B" I would have been so proud I would burst. But here's what he got to make up the "B" : Quiz average 99.8, Tests average 93.8, Homework 53.7????????? WTF???? He just didn't do it in some cases. He forgot. Whatever. The fact is it ALL counts and he just didn't make any effort. So I didn't get mad because he made a "B" I got upset because he THREW AWAY an "A." And the same thing applies to pageants. If my daughter does her best and doesn't place - whatever, the judges weren't in to her and she'll learn that sometimes even your best won't do - that's LIFE. (I work for a large International company, and there are some really great folks that get overlooked for promotion compared to some world class butt-kissers.) But if she just doesn't try, then I will be disappointed - IF pageants continue to be her thing.

I don't care if there are folks that want to jump to conclusions and judge me as just another deranged lunatic, I just call it like I see it.

Another tale from the dark side....

Bad parent example #6,922

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