We pause for a whiny brat moment.

I have a confession to make.

I desperately want to be liked.

I envy people who have lots and lots of friends... I still long to be a popular kid.
If I had people come by and hang on weekends around the house to keep us company, I think I would be so much happier. I think I carry around a lot of baggage from being at the bottom of the social food chain in high school... I mean, for crying out loud, I DID go to my senior prom on a blind date. It sucks being a geek.

But I married a social recluse, and although I try really hard to make and keep friendships, it seems like I'm never going to achieve my life's goal to have people to really go do things with. We used to have a couple we would go on vacation with occasionally, but when Doug died of cancer my husband just sort of gave up on finding anyone else to hang with. And his wife and I had nothing in common at all to try and keep a relationship going. She was nice, but she never wanted to do anything.

I have a "best" friend, who calls me often and enthusiastically on the phone with all her news and trials and tribulations, but when I go to visit her she ignores me for her local friends (she literally turns away from me and talks to them and doesn't let me get a word in edgewise.) I took my daughter down to visit her this summer and although she is a teacher, she seemed perpetually annoyed with my daughter, and got mad when I asked if we could fix some popcorn (around 8:30 one evening) for Gizmo and I because she and the "babies" (her two dogs, had a bedtime to keep. Geez, we only visit once a year. I mean she tells me about going out to dinner with her friends and going to the movies etc. but when I suggested we all go to dinner and a movie she curtly replied "I'm so not interested...." Or if I suggest we go visit this or that she looks at me in disdain "I am NOT a tourist" Yet, I say nothing. Although I did feign not feeling well so we could cut our trip a little bit short, she didn't really seem to mind and then made all nice. She could make a little bit of effort if she really cares about our friendship. But maybe that's why she's 38 and still whining that she can't find a man.... (she hasn't had a boyfriend since college.)

I wish I had another mom with kids I could call and say "let's go to six flags today!" Or, let's go to the mall! Or, come over and have lunch. But I guess we're all kinda caught up in the day to day of things and we have our own families to harrass and hang with... Even when I go to birthday parties and meet other mothers I kind of feel uncomfortable because I don't even think the same way they do. They talk about worrying about their kids being too worldly, or the teachers not giving enough homework, or how they don't like ChuckECheese because it's too loud inside.
I don't worry about Giz being too worldly - how can she be worldly taking the dog for a walk, going to pageants, going skiing and roller skating and to the pottery place or going grocery shopping.... and I don't want her to burn out on homework in kindergarten.... and I don't mind ChuckECheese or Monkey Joe's or Six Flags... I love to rollerskate and I love to ride rollercoasters and I can ski and I want to try other things too... Aren't there any other mom's out there like Me???

I'm sure it's overrated. But I haven't felt well this week and I'm wallowing in my own self pity. I'll get over it. Maybe. (Although one of the guys on my team did give me a cookie Monday - Macadamia/Cranberry - and for a little while I WAS truly cheered up :o)

Okay. I know I'm whining. But only a few people read my blog anyway, and they don't seem to be all up in the air about me being one of those social outkast battle-ax stagemothers.

I know they'll understand.

SNIFFLE.