Today I got to participate in my favorite yearly event.
Oh the beloved annual visit to the ob-gyn.
Just the mere idea of having to go sends my blood pressure up at LEAST 30 points.
Notably, my doctor erroneously asked me why I was so grouchy for all my annual visits - after all, "what had he done to deserve such a bad attitude from me all these years?"
I apologized and asked him not to take it personally. And after a brief moment of pensive thought I responded:
"Never mind, the minute I walk in, your perniciously perky receptionist starts in on what a nice day it is and her gratuitous, yet contrived efforts to be overly pleasant start off raking on my already edgy demeanor. The next series of questions, that after 12 years of NO changes, I still must answer. Next, I have to wait for 30 minutes in a waiting room full of annoyed and bored husbands and boyfriends - all of which now KNOW what I'm going to have to do... Once my name is called in a depersonalized fashion 'MSSSSUSS. SMMMMITH!' (no real name used here of course) you force me to attempt a skilled exercise for which I am not physically designed to do properly - the whole pee in a thimble mess. After the initial denuding of my dignity, I am STABBED in the finger, made to stand on the ENEMY known as the "scales" and if THAT isn't enough, you stick me in a refrigerated room with nothing but a tissue to cover up with and only "Oprah" magazines to read for God knows how long.... THEN you come in here and SMASH what's left of the bags formerly known as breasts after nursing two wonderful children, and if that wasn't enough....,
YOU SCRAPE MY VAGINA WITH A TOOTHPICK!!!!!
....and have the nerve to ASK ME WHY I AM IN A BAD MOOD????"
Awkward Silence.
Needless to say, I got an extra bag of samples today >o)
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5 comments:
On my last visit I was asked the same question!! My response was "Im cold but have a perfectly good cardigan on the hook over there but your nurse said I couldn't wear it....like you would need my arms for this exam?! Plus, you have not changed the cartoons on the ceiling since my last visit."
rofl love the response.
My doctor said
I know, I know, it's uncomfortable.
Course she's a woman. She has to go through it.
damn! You almost make the exam where they shove a cotton covered branch up your penis (yes, I took the STD tests in preparation for marriage) sound almost pleasant...
Ick. Hate annual exams.
Oh goody... a new blog to read! I am on a deadline tonight and can't stay, but you sucked me in with the "YOU SCRAPE MY VAGINA WITH A TOOTHPICK!!!!!" tale. Bookmarked!!
Will have to pop some popcorn over the holiday weekend and settle in for a good read!
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