YUP.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

How do I call in sick? Let me count the ways....

Of all the ordinary things one must face once in awhile, the one I hate the most is calling in sick to work.

I mean, there is a bit of an art to conveying how bad you feel without either disclosing too much detail (TMI) or sounding like you are just faking it. And it also depends on how well you know your boss. And lately, we've been changing bosses like socks at work, so I keep having to break in a new one...

For the most part, I'm a pretty healthy gal (although due to my horrid eating habits and whacked out personality I'm not sure how much longer it'll last...) but every now and then, I go down for the count. Generally I barrel along at a pretty intense pace, and even sometimes when I don't feel good, I just scarf an extra donut and Amp, several Tylenol, and my Adderall and "voila" - all better... Or I just tend to ignore the fact that I have snot running down my face and stick a fancy SNIFF tissue up there and declare it a fashion statement.

Anyway, I woke up Wednesday with a burning sensation in my stomach and a raging headache. I KNOW the offending catalyst for this condition HAD to be that taco salad I ate at my mother-in-law's the night before, and it had pretty much royally pissed off my persnickity diva of a gallbladder. Plus, I missed my meds the day the before because I was too lazy to go to the drugstore so I had a king sized migraine, and now every cell in my body was starting to ramp up into hyper state again. You'd be surprised, the Adderall calms EVERYTHING down, not just my hyper-drive OCD issues.

This equation results in the following:

pounding head + gastrointestinal distress = ain't coming into work I need a dark room very near a potty

So how do you summarize this to a new boss in a sentence or less?

I could go the TMI route:

Hi! I didn't take my Adderall yesterday so now my system is a wreck and I ate Taco salad to boot so now I'm two steps away from having a colon blowout and I need to take a bottle of Tylenol since my head hurts from missing the meds as well??

Or just leave it short and simple:

Hi, I don't feel well. See ya.

What I actually compromised on:

Hi, My stomach is torn up and I have a migraine. I'm not going to be available today. Bye.

****

I remember I got a rash a couple of years back, that started on my hips and spread juuuuusttt to the top of my knees and juuuuuusstttt up to my breasts. It was the most horrible thing ever, they called it "follicular mucinosis" and it drove me to the point of almost suicidal behaviour. I had to see 5 doctors and a nutritionist for it and I was diagnosed with everything from nerves to t-cell lymphoma (I'm not kidding on that either.) Oh, and the nutritionist was the one who actually cleared it up btw. When they finally stopped the itching I was black and blue and in pain from all the clawing I had done to myself! Yet, aside from all the doctor's notes, the crying and screaming etc. To the outside world, I looked perfectly NORMAL.

I had to call in sick for two weeks for a rash no one could see. And I hated having to explain to my male boss that I was swollen and prickly and scabby from the tops of my knees to my chest. He made an art form of looking at me like "yeah. right. whatever."

****

Is it just me? What do you do?

:o)

Aren't they cute?

I don't understand a word they say but Giz and I agree they are adorable LOL!

Somebody needs to put a diabetic warning on this video.




:o)

Confession #2

Lordy, I was so busted today.

Confession #2.

I like to sing when I'm by myself in the car.

Not sing like, under my breath, but belt-it-out-showtunes style sing.

Today, I got CAUGHT.

Normally, I am used to just me and the seatbelts knowing this little secret, but today I was exposed, wrong words and all.

I'm sitting at a stoplight at the highway - and it's a GUH-OR-GE-OUS day - I'm not stressed 'cause I have the day off, and I'm on my way home, feelin' groovey....

And of course, I am soooooo a product of the 80's. And there is a particularly belty song on the radio (Heartache Tonight by the Eagles is one of my other personal favorites to have at it...)

"GLOR-I-A! da-da-da I THINK THEY GOT YOUR NUM-BER! da-da-da ...IF EVERYBODY WANTS-YOU, WHY ISN'T AN-Y-BOD-Y CAAAAAALLLLLINNNNGGGGG...!!!!"

etc & so on.

So here I am thinking I'm all by me-myself-and-I, just a going at it with the windows rolled down and the wind in my hair, and then the song is over.

APPLAUSE.

Huh??

I look over and at the entrance of a new neighborhood they are building are a bunch of road workers.

They weren't just laughing, they were ROLLING.

:o|

I want (to be on) my MTV.....

One of the more interesting side effects of my blog is that from time to time I get contacted by some sort of tv show or other media outlet.

Apparantly I wasn't controversial enough for Montel Williams.

The news reporter I was going to meet in Nashville stood me up (okay she had a pretty good reason, but she could have called to let me know...)

And now I get this:

Teen Dream Casting wrote:

I am a Casting Producer for MTV's "Teen Dream", a brand new, competitive reality show for female singers between the ages of 16 and 22 (their mother/managers will also be featured on the series). The executive producers behind this exciting concept are the ones responsible for career-launching, reality series like "America's Next Top Model" and "The Pussycat Dolls." We've just started the casting process, but have already gotten incredible response from both potential cast members and media outlets. I saw your blog and thought I would drop you a line to see if you could mention us on the blog...or you might even know about some potential cast members for us. Thanks for your time.

Randolph Jones
Associate Producer for Casting
MTV's Teen Dream

****************************************************

So. Here ya' Go. If anyone out there is reading and fits the bill, I suggest you go for it! (Why not?? Might be fun! And even if you look silly for 6-8 weeks on the show, how many people really remember who was on the show unless you REALLY make a spectacular spectacle of yourself - and then worst case you end up on some reality show about former reality stars in a truly really REAL setting. After all, those shows must pay pretty well, because people keep signing up.... ;o)

Next, I need to talk to them about MY show.

Stage Mom from Hell tries skydiving to win pageant fees off - story at 6:00 and 10:00.

LOL

Well, it IS kind of true, I do happen to be a former Miss Hell Hole Swamp.

:o)

You... Da'.... MAN !!!

Now, being that the title of the blog implies I am primarily a "stage mother" you know I don't talk that much about Firstborn.

It's just I don't hang with him and hubby so much. Because as much as they love me, and we are a family, I have another love to compete with.

GOLF.

It's not a game, it's a 24 hour 8 day a week obsession with them.

I can only think of 3 conditions under which they don't play:

1) They are deathly ill
2) A herd of rabid deer are on the loose trampling the tee boxes
3) There's an active tornado present on the greens

The golf channel stays on the tv almost every minute they are present in our house.
Golf news, golf reality shows, golf tournaments, golf instruction, golf inventions, golf info-mercials. You name it about golf, it's been watched at our house. Including the 4,568 commentaries and analyses of everything from what Tiger Woods brushes his teeth with to every angle of every golf shot he's ever taken....

I have washed and dryed thousands of golf balls, ball markers,golf gloves, and tees in the laundry by accident.

We even have a special room set up in the basement where a net hangs with a mattress behind it so they can drive golf balls morning-noon-night. It's not uncommon every night before bed for either Firstborn or hubby to run down and drive 50 or so balls for practice. I have to vacuum constantly because they use that green indoor/outdoor carpeting in there, and the little bits of it get all OVER the house. It's worse than cat hair. It gets in the carpet, in the animal's fur, in the laundry... nothing like throwing on a pair of underwear on with some of THAT stuff stuck to it in a strategic area (TMI, I know....)

Every bathroom has a golf magazine for one's reading pleasure available.

I DO draw the line at decorating the house with anything golf. I think the caps,gloves,bags,balls,markers,head covers,golf shoes, etc laying all over the place is decoration enough.

Giz and I go to pageants for a desperate reprieve from the saturation of the sport in our lives.

And after 7 years of lessons, threats to quit, scraping up weekly greens fees, gnashing of teeth over lost or broken equipment, etc.

Today was the crowning moment of all the effort.

Firstborn is on the middle school golf team, and they have a pretty strong group this year. Firstborn's not always the lowest score, but he's usually the lowest, and he's very consistent. There are two other boys who push him some, who are strong players but not as consistent (they will beat Firstborn by a point or two, then lose by many points - they are good but very inconsistent.) Overall they are really strong players for their ages and they have a lot of enthusiasm for the sport.

Tuesday they played a par 3 course (par 27), and Firstborn came in behind the other two strong players on their team by a couple of points (I think they shot a 34,35,36 respectively) and they beat the other two schools they were playing by 16 points. They play 6 players in competition and the scores are totaled to see who has the overall lowest score. They were psyched!!!

Today they played their first regulation course, playing 9 holes only. Par 36.

Firstborn shot a 37.

For the non-golf person, that's pretty darn good for an eigth grader.

No other player from either his team or any of the other schools even came close. Next highest overall score was a 47.

And Firstborn's team STILL won by 16 points. He pretty much put the BOO in the BOO-YAH today. And when I picked him up he practically glowed.

The coach was pretty jacked about it too... (I think he even had to nip a situation because one of the other school's coaches was concerned that Firstborn was playing as a second place seed and not a first - I'm not sure why this would matter, but these guys take it all VERY seriously.)

I let Firstborn pick where to go out for dinner afterwards to celebrate, and I don't think I've ever heard him recount the day's events in that many ways ever before.

I am so proud of him in his "moment of glory."

Firstborn was DA' MAN.

Damn Cat

'K

I need some help.

I have this cat who has adopted ME as her human.

She showed up around Halloween, and being a black cat, I didn't think it wise to try to run her off (superstitious,I am.) I didn't really encourage her, but geesh she really weasled her way in.

She's been fine for a few months, but all of a sudden she has started pissing on the basement floor randomly.

I keep her fed and watered each day.

I keep her litter changed morning and night.

I even let her "hug me" when she needs one. Strange, strange, cat she is... she has to get in my lap, then she puts both front legs around my neck and pushes her head up into MY neck and clings to me like glue.

She musta had a REALLY bad childhood.

But I think she's either mad at me for something or there's something else bothering her, and I've no clue about cats.

Any ideas???

Yes, I know I could put her out, but Giz would have a nervous breakdown if I did.

I had a bad day.

I discovered today, that somehow I missed factoring in an extra $40,000 while closing the accounting for a project I am working on that the project manager before me had spent launching the project. Talk about feeling sick.

Okay, so I'm only 68% over budget now.

We DID put the fact that I am a first time project manager in as a risk LOL

In my defense:
- I'm not an experienced project manager
- The start up of the project was a disaster under the previous pm
- They gave it to me because they thought I could save it all the while asking me if I thought I could do it
- I was expected to get it launched under a new project methodology
- And the rules of the methodology and accounting changed weekly during the life of the project (oh and we got trained on the tools about halfway through the final development phase.)

Talk about your proverbial build the plane while you are flying scenario.

Then this afternoon,I accidentally punched a hole in the bottom of a large sweet tea (which was FULL) in my car and pretty much flooded the car during my feeble attempt to extricate the flooding container from the cup holder quickly. The liquid filled up BOTH cup holders, and I soaked myself in the most embarrassing way as the cup traversed across my lap so I could dump the remaining fluids out of my door (which ended up going into the door storage area and NOT out of the car.

SIGH

All the while spewing a diatribe of vitriol from my lips unfit for even impolite company under my breath the entire time....

So, figuring the day was a bust, I just marched into the big boss's office in my ever so subtle not terribly agitated way (oh who am I kidding I'm a walking disaster half the time...) and laid the whole budgetary mess out. Put the ol' head on the guillotine and said "go ahead....."

Well, thankfully I didn't get fired. He basically smiled and figuratively patted me on the head and said, "this one's a learning experience, just don't do it again."

WHEW. Now the pressure is REALLY on though.

I'm going to start budgeting for a project psychiatrist to be on staff for any other project I ever lead again. Kind of like those golfers who use a sports psychiatrist...

And yes, I DID whine about it the rest of the day.

*****************************

Oh and a shout out to Firstborn - he made the Golf Team AND Jr National Honor Society all in the same week!!

*****************************

Continuing the pageant saga (see previous posts for events leading up):

After we got finished with dinner,we went to the ballroom to practice.

Giz got amnesia - I cannot figure for the LIFE of me how she can practice at home, then the first night she gets to the hotel, it's like she has NO clue what to do at all. I mean she did EVERYTHING but what she was supposed too. Not even remotely close.

Drives me nuts, but then the next day after a bad practice, she'll do great onstage.

I just don't get it.

Got any help for us Dr. Phil??

Like I said, I'm sure there's a shrink somewhere who has a folder with my name written ALLLLLL over it.

Oh Danny boy

Quick Note.

I like to watch American Idol.

They say it's a singing competition, but frankly I want to be entertained (being talented and being entertaining are NOT always synonymous)

Danny,we tried. We're going to miss You!!!

He was not the VERY best singer admittedly, but not bad.... He just made the show that much more interesting to watch! (I'm especially gonna miss his exchanges with Simon!)

And Later that evening...

I tried to exit as gracefully as I could after the sticker shock. Not that the amount was so much a surprise, but that I thought I was soooo prepared and then I find out NOT. That, on top of being tired from the drive and a little weak from my gastrointestinal issues, was kind of the last straw of the day.

So feeling a little weak, and sick physically and emotionally, I took Gizmo over to the restaurant for a meal.

She got chicken fingers, broccoli and sprite.

I got a small salad and a BEER.

*****************************************************************

On another current note, I finally broke down and bought DDR Universe 2 for our XBox3.

It kinda ended up less like dancing and more like combat twister.

BOTH kids were trying to help me with the arrows (okay, I had no idea it was on expert mode) Giz was trying to hit some with her hands on the floor and Firstborn was trying to step on the remaining arrows needed.

Twas not a pretty site. But it sure is FUN!!!

I almost didn't buy it when the patronizing Best Buy clerk looked at me and stated that he heard it was a great WORKOUT. (okay, in his defense, what else would most middle aged women buy it for??)

WORKOUT???? He almost took the fun right out of it!!! NO. Not workout.

GRRRR....PLAY BECAUSE ME LIKE. NOT ME EXERCISE.

;O)

Sing along 'MONEYMONEYMONEY, MON-EY.... MON-EEEEEEEY!!!!'

LOL

I hate pageant registration. I love pageantry with my daughter, but honey, I HATE to part with my money.

I keep suffering under the delusion that my daughter can get a title by us just partially entering for titles in the paperwork. Now, again, I had been warned by several others that this pageant could go weird, but I'm one of those folks with a bit of residual seawater and beer from my college days still soaking in some of my brain cells. Not to mention, it takes a phd in "new math" to even figure out what the heck you entered, how they score it, and how it all really ends up.

Fortunately, there was no great big line to stand in and occupy a hyper 5 year old in... Pageantry has this kind of weird way to register, where at many pageants, each mother goes in to register one at a time. I think it is done that way so as each one goes in ALONE the director can put their different spin on hard selling to the mother to enter more events and thus part the poor woman from additional CASH. This causes the lines to back up down the hallway forever, or if you get on a sign up sheet, you can never really get settled to start preparing for the next day because you are constantly running back and forth to find out how close you are to getting your name called. It's great exercise though.

Getting back to this event, I know I made several major mistakes.

1) MISTAKE #1 WE SHOULD NOT HAVE GONE GIVEN ALL THE PREVIOUS TWO WEEKS RUNNING.
Giz & I were both tired, she hadn't practiced enough, and I didn't have any help.

2) MISTAKE #2 I NEVER HAD THE PAPERWORK FROM THE PREVIOUS LEVEL'S PAGEANT FROM THIS SYSTEM.

My computer was down in November and December, and I entered Giz as a last minute whim in the local level pageant for this system. So I never saw the proverbial fine print.

Digression for education's sake. 99% of the time if you win a grand supreme in the level pageant below the next, you get the supreme package for "free" at the next level. For example, if you win Grand Supreme (highest point total out of all the girls) at a local preliminary, you get your supreme package entry paid to State. Next, if you win your state Grand Supreme title, you get either the Mini-National or National supreme package paid.

I had been warned that this lady could get money out of a homeless person, but I didn't get a bad vibe from her so again, I plowed ahead. I really need to learn to use my ears more effectively.

Anyway. Giz had won a large title at the previous level pageant, and I paid a $150 deposit right there on the scene - out of her $500 bond, which is really only $250 - so we could get the earlybird pricing for the registration fee. "That's it" stated the director. She implied that was all we would owe. Again, I am not faulting her for what I'm about to divulge, I'm just mad at myself for being naive.

For this pageant, the pricing for the "earlybird" consisted of:

$395 registration fee - which went up $100 incrementally after Dec 1 up to $595)
$595 supreme package - which allowed you to compete in Natural beauty, Glitz beauty, one interview session (natural or glitz) and one black and white photo (natural or glitz)

To be eligible for grand supreme, you needed to have a cumulative Beauty,Interview, and Photo score.

So if you entered a glitz black and white photo, just doing the basic supreme package and registration fee, you would not be eligible for the Natural grand supreme title and if you entered a Natural black and white, conversely you would not be eligible for the glitz grand supreme.

What mother is going to spend almost $1000 and not have lil Suzie out of the running for grand? At a minimum the director will get another $75 out of you for at least ONE additional optional.

Next, there was $150 for "Overall titles" and she added "one point just for entering!". Again, what mother - who has now spent $1075 miniumum potentially plus travel expenses - wouldn't buy that extra point for their child?? Now we are up to $1225....

There were about 4 other optionals you could enter at $75 each - swimwear, composite card, Natural or Glitz photo (whatever you didn't enter in your basic supreme package) etc.

In her defense, the director was giving away a lot of supreme packages paid plus 2 hotel nights "free" (translation, you only have to pay registration fee less $200) but she didn't start offering this until the registration fee went up to $595.

So even if you took the best package at the worst time, and entered the minimum to be in the running for the basic titles plus the point added overalls it would cost:

$395 plus $150 plus $75 plus door badge $35 = $655

Skipping to the cliff's notes - if you entered EVERYTHING on the paperwork plus one extra picture (at $25 each) and you didn't have to pay the supreme package (say you got it free) it would have been somewhere around $1000. And if you DID have to pay any or all of the supreme package, it ended up between $1200 and $2000. I heard that some people ended up paying as much as $1800 in fees.

Return? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Who are we kidding? Even if you won ultimate grand, the payout was a $5000, which ended up being only $2500 in cash. Various titles below ended up anywhere from $100 to $1000 depending on what you won, and if you entered that event.

And to the director's defense, you'd be paying for two pageants - so much more cost efficient! Of sorts...

So here's what I walked in expecting.

$595 package paid plus $395 registration plus $150 for overalls $75 for an optional event and $35 for a door badge, oh and one extra picture $25. LESS $595 package paid less $100 "free hotel stay" less $150 I already paid.

I expected to pay $480.

So I get to the table and she adds it up and says I owe $580.

?? This is where it kinda broke down for me... (I expected to be sooo prepared LOL)

Okay, why?

Well, she says, Giz only won a $500 BOND towards her supreme package.
Oh. (now I'm at the mistake in not finding a copy of that damn paperwork) Okay.
So I say okay, go ahead and I pay the extra $100 thinking Gizmo was still in the running for the minimum items I had planned. (I actually considered backing out at that very moment which caused me to have an unclear head.) Again, I'm not faulting the director per se, but she could have made it clearer to me what we ended up in rather than looking at me like "oh you must be POOR."

AND I DID'T EVEN GET A RECEIPT. SO I STILL TO THIS DAY DON'T KNOW WHAT GIZ WAS ENTERED IN, BUT WE'LL GET TO THAT NEXT.

3) MISTAKE #3 EXPECTING THAT OUR COACH WOULD GIVE US SOME GOOD ADVICE AS TO WHICH PAGEANTS WOULD BE GOOD FOR MY CHILD, AND WHICH NOT

To be continued....